xoxo.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
things happen.
things happen to everybody. good things, bad things. all sorts of things.
with the good things, we want them to be because of us. we want them to be because of something we did. we want full credit.
but with the bad things, we want something, anything, to blame it on. some great injustice. and sometimes we're lucky enough to have that be the case. but other times, deep down we know that maybe the greatest injustice of all is us. we are the great injustice that we dread.
as time goes on, you learn more about yourself. you uncover parts of yourself that you kept hidden, mostly from yourself. the thing with life is that you really can only hide from yourself. others eventually see the truth, see the real you. but if you bury a part of yourself or a belief for long enough, you begin to believe it. because hey, if you deny something exists, it's true, right? you know yourself better than anybody. but once you start to rediscover those pieces, things and events in your life make more sense. you start to realize that you caused them. whatever the reason may be, you captained your own ship. you led yourself here.
how does it feel to be that great injustice?
with the good things, we want them to be because of us. we want them to be because of something we did. we want full credit.
but with the bad things, we want something, anything, to blame it on. some great injustice. and sometimes we're lucky enough to have that be the case. but other times, deep down we know that maybe the greatest injustice of all is us. we are the great injustice that we dread.
as time goes on, you learn more about yourself. you uncover parts of yourself that you kept hidden, mostly from yourself. the thing with life is that you really can only hide from yourself. others eventually see the truth, see the real you. but if you bury a part of yourself or a belief for long enough, you begin to believe it. because hey, if you deny something exists, it's true, right? you know yourself better than anybody. but once you start to rediscover those pieces, things and events in your life make more sense. you start to realize that you caused them. whatever the reason may be, you captained your own ship. you led yourself here.
how does it feel to be that great injustice?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
opening up.
well, obviously i'm not doing the 30 days of whatever-ness.
but today i'm going to open up a little bit.
even though i asked for my divorce, it's still hard. people don't realize how hard it truly is. of course, every situation is different, but the pain is always the same. no matter who initiates it.
people think that because i asked for my divorce, that i don't have the right to be sad. that i should just automatically be happy, because i got what i wanted. and they're right. i got what i wanted. but sometimes, the things you want, the things you need, are not the easiest things to get.
through all of this, through all of the conflicts, arguments, and frustration, i have been happy. i have been happy for myself and for others. but in the back of my mind, there is a constant sadness. a part of me is still mourning for my loss. i'm still sad about the situation. i'm upset. i'm angry. sometimes i just want to run until i physically can't move anymore.
but no one can know.
because i'm supposed to be happy.
right?
but today i'm going to open up a little bit.
even though i asked for my divorce, it's still hard. people don't realize how hard it truly is. of course, every situation is different, but the pain is always the same. no matter who initiates it.
people think that because i asked for my divorce, that i don't have the right to be sad. that i should just automatically be happy, because i got what i wanted. and they're right. i got what i wanted. but sometimes, the things you want, the things you need, are not the easiest things to get.
through all of this, through all of the conflicts, arguments, and frustration, i have been happy. i have been happy for myself and for others. but in the back of my mind, there is a constant sadness. a part of me is still mourning for my loss. i'm still sad about the situation. i'm upset. i'm angry. sometimes i just want to run until i physically can't move anymore.
but no one can know.
because i'm supposed to be happy.
right?
Friday, September 23, 2011
an attempt to get myself to blog more.
30 days of truth.
Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.
Day 14: A hero that has let you down.
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself.
Stay tuned. We'll see if I'm able to complete all 30 days.
Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.
Day 14: A hero that has let you down.
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself.
Stay tuned. We'll see if I'm able to complete all 30 days.
Friday, September 2, 2011
contemplation and rambling.
sometimes all you need in life is a new path, and i'm finally on mine.
i know that people probably still stare at me and talk about me behind my back. i still get letters in the mail from people that think i'm broken, that think i need to talk about it, that think i need to heal. that think i need to be treated differently.
i guess i've gotten so used to being treated differently that i forgot what anything else was like.
most people don't want anything to do with a 20 year old divorcee. not that i can blame them - i probably wouldn't know how to treat me, either. so when i meet someone who doesn't turn their head when i tell them about my past, my universe gets shaken just a little bit. when people treat me exactly the same as anybody else is what really hits home.
i've put up a lot of walls, both before and after my marriage. it's one of the things i do best. maybe, now that i'm on the walk of life that i'm supposed to be on, some of those walls can come down.
xoxo.
i know that people probably still stare at me and talk about me behind my back. i still get letters in the mail from people that think i'm broken, that think i need to talk about it, that think i need to heal. that think i need to be treated differently.
i guess i've gotten so used to being treated differently that i forgot what anything else was like.
most people don't want anything to do with a 20 year old divorcee. not that i can blame them - i probably wouldn't know how to treat me, either. so when i meet someone who doesn't turn their head when i tell them about my past, my universe gets shaken just a little bit. when people treat me exactly the same as anybody else is what really hits home.
i've put up a lot of walls, both before and after my marriage. it's one of the things i do best. maybe, now that i'm on the walk of life that i'm supposed to be on, some of those walls can come down.
xoxo.
Friday, August 26, 2011
heyyy. woahhhh.
i constantly wonder what to write about in this blog. i'll stop blogging for a while, but then i'll decide i want to again and i'll start another pointless blog. what i really need to do is find something to write about.
so today, while i try to decide what subject to focus this blog on, i'm going to vent just a little.
i get really sick of people who constantly complain. once in a while is fine, and that's to be expected. but there comes a point in time where it's not cute anymore. when you're constantly fishing for compliments and constantly expecting others to try to cheer you up, you've already reached a point where you can't make yourself happy. i think it's ridiculous.
life is only as good as you think it is.
if you think your life sucks, it will, no matter how many shoes you have, or how big your house is, or how much money you have. if you're constantly depressed, yes, your life is going to suck. but if you decide to look at the silver lining, you won't need other people to make you happy. in order to be satisfied and happy with your life, you have to make that conscious decision to think that way.
happiness is not going to fall into your lap, and so many people think that it will. it drives me nuts. happiness does not bestow itself to you. it does not bow at your feet. it does not set out a road map to becoming the happiest, most successful person that you can be. it's quite the opposite. you have to make that road map. you have to constantly be traveling to what you think will make you happy, while still stopping to smell the flowers and enjoy the small things in life.
you know, being happy really is quite simple.
all you have to do is look around.
so today, while i try to decide what subject to focus this blog on, i'm going to vent just a little.
i get really sick of people who constantly complain. once in a while is fine, and that's to be expected. but there comes a point in time where it's not cute anymore. when you're constantly fishing for compliments and constantly expecting others to try to cheer you up, you've already reached a point where you can't make yourself happy. i think it's ridiculous.
life is only as good as you think it is.
if you think your life sucks, it will, no matter how many shoes you have, or how big your house is, or how much money you have. if you're constantly depressed, yes, your life is going to suck. but if you decide to look at the silver lining, you won't need other people to make you happy. in order to be satisfied and happy with your life, you have to make that conscious decision to think that way.
happiness is not going to fall into your lap, and so many people think that it will. it drives me nuts. happiness does not bestow itself to you. it does not bow at your feet. it does not set out a road map to becoming the happiest, most successful person that you can be. it's quite the opposite. you have to make that road map. you have to constantly be traveling to what you think will make you happy, while still stopping to smell the flowers and enjoy the small things in life.
you know, being happy really is quite simple.
all you have to do is look around.
Friday, July 1, 2011
i suck..
..at keeping this blog updated. my apologies.
things have been going fairly well. i had june to clean out the apartment and take everything back to my parents' house, which was NOT easy. (imagine trying to fit four rooms into one tiny little room in your parents' house.) yeah it was..exhausting. to say the least. but june is over and i can finally continue to move on with my life.
on another note, i'm typing this whole blog entry without looking at it. i have to assume i'm doing pretty fabulously. i have the utmost confidence in myself. (i'm not as conceited as i sound, promise.)
going through all of this has really let me know who my true friends are. it helped me figure out who i could tell my intimate secrets to and who to veer away from when it comes to the 'personal information' department. there aren't many people that i can trust with my life, but the few i have, i thank god every day for. (and yes, i do believe in god. i'm not a religious person, but i am spiritual.) although it's been hard to have to go through this alone, essentially, it's been an amazing experience to bond with my truest friends.
i've fallen off of the modeling wagon for a while, mostly due to my lack of a vehicle. i'm working on it, though! i'm learning to drive a stick shift right now (eep) so hopefully things go well with that. i'd love to get back into it again.
typing errors: 6
this tattoo is amazing. if it had some sort of meaning to me, i'd get it in a heartbeat.
xoxo.
things have been going fairly well. i had june to clean out the apartment and take everything back to my parents' house, which was NOT easy. (imagine trying to fit four rooms into one tiny little room in your parents' house.) yeah it was..exhausting. to say the least. but june is over and i can finally continue to move on with my life.
on another note, i'm typing this whole blog entry without looking at it. i have to assume i'm doing pretty fabulously. i have the utmost confidence in myself. (i'm not as conceited as i sound, promise.)
going through all of this has really let me know who my true friends are. it helped me figure out who i could tell my intimate secrets to and who to veer away from when it comes to the 'personal information' department. there aren't many people that i can trust with my life, but the few i have, i thank god every day for. (and yes, i do believe in god. i'm not a religious person, but i am spiritual.) although it's been hard to have to go through this alone, essentially, it's been an amazing experience to bond with my truest friends.
i've fallen off of the modeling wagon for a while, mostly due to my lack of a vehicle. i'm working on it, though! i'm learning to drive a stick shift right now (eep) so hopefully things go well with that. i'd love to get back into it again.
typing errors: 6
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