xoxo.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
things happen.
things happen to everybody. good things, bad things. all sorts of things.
with the good things, we want them to be because of us. we want them to be because of something we did. we want full credit.
but with the bad things, we want something, anything, to blame it on. some great injustice. and sometimes we're lucky enough to have that be the case. but other times, deep down we know that maybe the greatest injustice of all is us. we are the great injustice that we dread.
as time goes on, you learn more about yourself. you uncover parts of yourself that you kept hidden, mostly from yourself. the thing with life is that you really can only hide from yourself. others eventually see the truth, see the real you. but if you bury a part of yourself or a belief for long enough, you begin to believe it. because hey, if you deny something exists, it's true, right? you know yourself better than anybody. but once you start to rediscover those pieces, things and events in your life make more sense. you start to realize that you caused them. whatever the reason may be, you captained your own ship. you led yourself here.
how does it feel to be that great injustice?
with the good things, we want them to be because of us. we want them to be because of something we did. we want full credit.
but with the bad things, we want something, anything, to blame it on. some great injustice. and sometimes we're lucky enough to have that be the case. but other times, deep down we know that maybe the greatest injustice of all is us. we are the great injustice that we dread.
as time goes on, you learn more about yourself. you uncover parts of yourself that you kept hidden, mostly from yourself. the thing with life is that you really can only hide from yourself. others eventually see the truth, see the real you. but if you bury a part of yourself or a belief for long enough, you begin to believe it. because hey, if you deny something exists, it's true, right? you know yourself better than anybody. but once you start to rediscover those pieces, things and events in your life make more sense. you start to realize that you caused them. whatever the reason may be, you captained your own ship. you led yourself here.
how does it feel to be that great injustice?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
opening up.
well, obviously i'm not doing the 30 days of whatever-ness.
but today i'm going to open up a little bit.
even though i asked for my divorce, it's still hard. people don't realize how hard it truly is. of course, every situation is different, but the pain is always the same. no matter who initiates it.
people think that because i asked for my divorce, that i don't have the right to be sad. that i should just automatically be happy, because i got what i wanted. and they're right. i got what i wanted. but sometimes, the things you want, the things you need, are not the easiest things to get.
through all of this, through all of the conflicts, arguments, and frustration, i have been happy. i have been happy for myself and for others. but in the back of my mind, there is a constant sadness. a part of me is still mourning for my loss. i'm still sad about the situation. i'm upset. i'm angry. sometimes i just want to run until i physically can't move anymore.
but no one can know.
because i'm supposed to be happy.
right?
but today i'm going to open up a little bit.
even though i asked for my divorce, it's still hard. people don't realize how hard it truly is. of course, every situation is different, but the pain is always the same. no matter who initiates it.
people think that because i asked for my divorce, that i don't have the right to be sad. that i should just automatically be happy, because i got what i wanted. and they're right. i got what i wanted. but sometimes, the things you want, the things you need, are not the easiest things to get.
through all of this, through all of the conflicts, arguments, and frustration, i have been happy. i have been happy for myself and for others. but in the back of my mind, there is a constant sadness. a part of me is still mourning for my loss. i'm still sad about the situation. i'm upset. i'm angry. sometimes i just want to run until i physically can't move anymore.
but no one can know.
because i'm supposed to be happy.
right?
Friday, September 23, 2011
an attempt to get myself to blog more.
30 days of truth.
Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.
Day 14: A hero that has let you down.
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself.
Stay tuned. We'll see if I'm able to complete all 30 days.
Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.
Day 14: A hero that has let you down.
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself.
Stay tuned. We'll see if I'm able to complete all 30 days.
Friday, September 2, 2011
contemplation and rambling.
sometimes all you need in life is a new path, and i'm finally on mine.
i know that people probably still stare at me and talk about me behind my back. i still get letters in the mail from people that think i'm broken, that think i need to talk about it, that think i need to heal. that think i need to be treated differently.
i guess i've gotten so used to being treated differently that i forgot what anything else was like.
most people don't want anything to do with a 20 year old divorcee. not that i can blame them - i probably wouldn't know how to treat me, either. so when i meet someone who doesn't turn their head when i tell them about my past, my universe gets shaken just a little bit. when people treat me exactly the same as anybody else is what really hits home.
i've put up a lot of walls, both before and after my marriage. it's one of the things i do best. maybe, now that i'm on the walk of life that i'm supposed to be on, some of those walls can come down.
xoxo.
i know that people probably still stare at me and talk about me behind my back. i still get letters in the mail from people that think i'm broken, that think i need to talk about it, that think i need to heal. that think i need to be treated differently.
i guess i've gotten so used to being treated differently that i forgot what anything else was like.
most people don't want anything to do with a 20 year old divorcee. not that i can blame them - i probably wouldn't know how to treat me, either. so when i meet someone who doesn't turn their head when i tell them about my past, my universe gets shaken just a little bit. when people treat me exactly the same as anybody else is what really hits home.
i've put up a lot of walls, both before and after my marriage. it's one of the things i do best. maybe, now that i'm on the walk of life that i'm supposed to be on, some of those walls can come down.
xoxo.
Friday, August 26, 2011
heyyy. woahhhh.
i constantly wonder what to write about in this blog. i'll stop blogging for a while, but then i'll decide i want to again and i'll start another pointless blog. what i really need to do is find something to write about.
so today, while i try to decide what subject to focus this blog on, i'm going to vent just a little.
i get really sick of people who constantly complain. once in a while is fine, and that's to be expected. but there comes a point in time where it's not cute anymore. when you're constantly fishing for compliments and constantly expecting others to try to cheer you up, you've already reached a point where you can't make yourself happy. i think it's ridiculous.
life is only as good as you think it is.
if you think your life sucks, it will, no matter how many shoes you have, or how big your house is, or how much money you have. if you're constantly depressed, yes, your life is going to suck. but if you decide to look at the silver lining, you won't need other people to make you happy. in order to be satisfied and happy with your life, you have to make that conscious decision to think that way.
happiness is not going to fall into your lap, and so many people think that it will. it drives me nuts. happiness does not bestow itself to you. it does not bow at your feet. it does not set out a road map to becoming the happiest, most successful person that you can be. it's quite the opposite. you have to make that road map. you have to constantly be traveling to what you think will make you happy, while still stopping to smell the flowers and enjoy the small things in life.
you know, being happy really is quite simple.
all you have to do is look around.
so today, while i try to decide what subject to focus this blog on, i'm going to vent just a little.
i get really sick of people who constantly complain. once in a while is fine, and that's to be expected. but there comes a point in time where it's not cute anymore. when you're constantly fishing for compliments and constantly expecting others to try to cheer you up, you've already reached a point where you can't make yourself happy. i think it's ridiculous.
life is only as good as you think it is.
if you think your life sucks, it will, no matter how many shoes you have, or how big your house is, or how much money you have. if you're constantly depressed, yes, your life is going to suck. but if you decide to look at the silver lining, you won't need other people to make you happy. in order to be satisfied and happy with your life, you have to make that conscious decision to think that way.
happiness is not going to fall into your lap, and so many people think that it will. it drives me nuts. happiness does not bestow itself to you. it does not bow at your feet. it does not set out a road map to becoming the happiest, most successful person that you can be. it's quite the opposite. you have to make that road map. you have to constantly be traveling to what you think will make you happy, while still stopping to smell the flowers and enjoy the small things in life.
you know, being happy really is quite simple.
all you have to do is look around.
Friday, July 1, 2011
i suck..
..at keeping this blog updated. my apologies.
things have been going fairly well. i had june to clean out the apartment and take everything back to my parents' house, which was NOT easy. (imagine trying to fit four rooms into one tiny little room in your parents' house.) yeah it was..exhausting. to say the least. but june is over and i can finally continue to move on with my life.
on another note, i'm typing this whole blog entry without looking at it. i have to assume i'm doing pretty fabulously. i have the utmost confidence in myself. (i'm not as conceited as i sound, promise.)
going through all of this has really let me know who my true friends are. it helped me figure out who i could tell my intimate secrets to and who to veer away from when it comes to the 'personal information' department. there aren't many people that i can trust with my life, but the few i have, i thank god every day for. (and yes, i do believe in god. i'm not a religious person, but i am spiritual.) although it's been hard to have to go through this alone, essentially, it's been an amazing experience to bond with my truest friends.
i've fallen off of the modeling wagon for a while, mostly due to my lack of a vehicle. i'm working on it, though! i'm learning to drive a stick shift right now (eep) so hopefully things go well with that. i'd love to get back into it again.
typing errors: 6
this tattoo is amazing. if it had some sort of meaning to me, i'd get it in a heartbeat.
xoxo.
things have been going fairly well. i had june to clean out the apartment and take everything back to my parents' house, which was NOT easy. (imagine trying to fit four rooms into one tiny little room in your parents' house.) yeah it was..exhausting. to say the least. but june is over and i can finally continue to move on with my life.
on another note, i'm typing this whole blog entry without looking at it. i have to assume i'm doing pretty fabulously. i have the utmost confidence in myself. (i'm not as conceited as i sound, promise.)
going through all of this has really let me know who my true friends are. it helped me figure out who i could tell my intimate secrets to and who to veer away from when it comes to the 'personal information' department. there aren't many people that i can trust with my life, but the few i have, i thank god every day for. (and yes, i do believe in god. i'm not a religious person, but i am spiritual.) although it's been hard to have to go through this alone, essentially, it's been an amazing experience to bond with my truest friends.
i've fallen off of the modeling wagon for a while, mostly due to my lack of a vehicle. i'm working on it, though! i'm learning to drive a stick shift right now (eep) so hopefully things go well with that. i'd love to get back into it again.
typing errors: 6
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
nothing too special.
just an update, mostly. i'm back at le parentals. it's been good being back here. i'm glad that i have parents that will always take me in if needs be. some people don't have that, and it makes me sad for them. everyone needs somewhere to go. i can't imagine how stressed i would be if my parents wouldn't let me come back home.
i've been slowly gathering up all my things and getting all my business taken care of. it's a super tedious process, man. there's so many little things to do that it just takes up SO much time. don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining. i'm happy to be where i am right now. there's just so much to do!
it has FINALLY turned into summer, or something resembling it. about time. i'm getting so sick of walking around in jackets. it is JUNE, mother nature. anyway, this summer i'm going to take piano up again. (not that i ever really left, but i stopped taking lessons.) it should be good. i miss doing something that i'm really good at. i also have to get a car at some point during the summer, because i'm going to start taking classes at SLCC in the fall. i'm just starting over - clean slate. i'm pretty excited. i like feeling like i have some direction in life.
so i've been hanging out with some new people lately, and it's been really good. it's nice to hang out with people that don't know me and don't have preconceived ideas about me. i can deal with people talking about me, but i'd rather not (naturally). so it's been really nice to just start over with new people, you know? i feel like i'm finally living life on my own terms, and doing what's best for me. my whole life has been about making others happy, or making others like me, or living up to others' expectations. i'm finally living for me, and i'm the happiest i've ever been. :)
xoxo.
i've been slowly gathering up all my things and getting all my business taken care of. it's a super tedious process, man. there's so many little things to do that it just takes up SO much time. don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining. i'm happy to be where i am right now. there's just so much to do!
it has FINALLY turned into summer, or something resembling it. about time. i'm getting so sick of walking around in jackets. it is JUNE, mother nature. anyway, this summer i'm going to take piano up again. (not that i ever really left, but i stopped taking lessons.) it should be good. i miss doing something that i'm really good at. i also have to get a car at some point during the summer, because i'm going to start taking classes at SLCC in the fall. i'm just starting over - clean slate. i'm pretty excited. i like feeling like i have some direction in life.
so i've been hanging out with some new people lately, and it's been really good. it's nice to hang out with people that don't know me and don't have preconceived ideas about me. i can deal with people talking about me, but i'd rather not (naturally). so it's been really nice to just start over with new people, you know? i feel like i'm finally living life on my own terms, and doing what's best for me. my whole life has been about making others happy, or making others like me, or living up to others' expectations. i'm finally living for me, and i'm the happiest i've ever been. :)
Monday, May 30, 2011
ohhh my.
dear internet abyss:
my name, legally, is erin paige mcguire. but i now think of myself as erin paige lee. you see, i am getting divorced.
yeah, it sucks. yeah, it's a long process. yeah, it's emotionally draining. blah, blah, blah. i've heard it all. i'm happy with my decision. i love being happy again. :) it's taken a long time to get to this point, and i'm not going to take it for granted.
on another note, my cat scratched me across the face today. i am SO pissed. it's really fantastic to be a model and have three long scratches on your cheek. ugh. tonight was seriously horrible. the world was out to get me - everything that could go wrong did. but oh well, i guess. tomorrow's another day.
a couple days ago i had an impromptu shoot at a park by my house. here are a couple of the pictures i've received.
anyway, i'm too pissed at my effing cat to be able to concentrate on any other interesting things in my life lately. i'll write latahhh.
xoxo.
Friday, May 13, 2011
life
sometimes my life is great, and sometimes it's really confusing. right now it's really confusing. a lot of things are happening all at once, and i'm not really sure what to do about any of them.
i'm trying to live my life how i usually do, but it's hard sometimes. i guess once i figure things out i'll write about them, but for now, they're going to remain private.
anyway, i guess i just need to decompress somehow. you know when you get anxious or you know that something is bad is going to happen you get major butterflies? that's how i feel all the time now. i could use a little relaxation. i'm stressed.
anyway, last saturday i was in the avalon school of cosmetology's hair show! i was in the 'lord of the rings' group, and i was dressed up as the tower. (i've never seen lotr, so i'm not sure if 'the tower' is its official name or not. sorryyy!)
my best friend sierra (a student at the school) was the ring. hooray for us!
uhhm, i really don't have much else to say today.
besides the fact that my big cat has been sick for the past week and it's making me really sad because he's so depressed. :( but i can't afford to take him to the vet! ohh dear. :(
i'm trying to live my life how i usually do, but it's hard sometimes. i guess once i figure things out i'll write about them, but for now, they're going to remain private.
anyway, i guess i just need to decompress somehow. you know when you get anxious or you know that something is bad is going to happen you get major butterflies? that's how i feel all the time now. i could use a little relaxation. i'm stressed.
anyway, last saturday i was in the avalon school of cosmetology's hair show! i was in the 'lord of the rings' group, and i was dressed up as the tower. (i've never seen lotr, so i'm not sure if 'the tower' is its official name or not. sorryyy!)
uhhm, i really don't have much else to say today.
besides the fact that my big cat has been sick for the past week and it's making me really sad because he's so depressed. :( but i can't afford to take him to the vet! ohh dear. :(
Thursday, May 5, 2011
things you should know about me.
in no particular order.
i love lists.
i'm very creatively minded and can be scatterbrained.
a lot of the time i stretch myself very thin.
i don't see the point in going to college if you don't know if that's what you want to do - hence, why i'm not going.
i am obsessed with smartfood brand white cheddar popcorn.
my little sister is my pride and joy, and the only person in the world who i would kill for, no questions asked.
i've never had braces.
i hate my nose.
i'm one of the most loyal people you'll ever meet.
i doubt myself a lot, but never show it on the outside.
i have a group of close friends that i've hung out with jr high/high school, but other than that, i don't hang out with too many people.
my best, best, best friend has been around since kindergarten.
i can function better in pointe shoes than i can in heels.
try as i might, i'm definitely not a very good housewife. i hate to clean, unless we have company coming over.
my laundry never gets folded and/or put away.
i have lots of things i want to accomplish, and the majority of them would be deemed as 'unrealistic' by the general population.
i'm smarter than i look.
i should have been born in the south.
i expect a man to be the breadwinner.
my husband totally dances like a white kid, and it makes me laugh so hard.
i've been called vanilla bean, regarding my attitude/mannerisms - i'm white, but i've got a little bit of black in me. ;)
i've been through more than you could possibly imagine by just looking at me.
i have a tattoo, and i don't regret it at all.
'sweet home alabama' is one of my favorite movies, right alongside 'she's the man' and 'two weeks notice'.
hugh grant, shia lebouf, and channing tatum are my favorite actors.
however, the only actor i'm allowed to have a crush on is hugh jackman, because le husband has a man crush on him, too.
i could make this go on for forever, but i won't.
:)
i love lists.
i'm very creatively minded and can be scatterbrained.
a lot of the time i stretch myself very thin.
i don't see the point in going to college if you don't know if that's what you want to do - hence, why i'm not going.
i am obsessed with smartfood brand white cheddar popcorn.
my little sister is my pride and joy, and the only person in the world who i would kill for, no questions asked.
i've never had braces.
i hate my nose.
i'm one of the most loyal people you'll ever meet.
i doubt myself a lot, but never show it on the outside.
i have a group of close friends that i've hung out with jr high/high school, but other than that, i don't hang out with too many people.
my best, best, best friend has been around since kindergarten.
i can function better in pointe shoes than i can in heels.
try as i might, i'm definitely not a very good housewife. i hate to clean, unless we have company coming over.
my laundry never gets folded and/or put away.
i have lots of things i want to accomplish, and the majority of them would be deemed as 'unrealistic' by the general population.
i'm smarter than i look.
i should have been born in the south.
i expect a man to be the breadwinner.
my husband totally dances like a white kid, and it makes me laugh so hard.
i've been called vanilla bean, regarding my attitude/mannerisms - i'm white, but i've got a little bit of black in me. ;)
i've been through more than you could possibly imagine by just looking at me.
i have a tattoo, and i don't regret it at all.
'sweet home alabama' is one of my favorite movies, right alongside 'she's the man' and 'two weeks notice'.
hugh grant, shia lebouf, and channing tatum are my favorite actors.
however, the only actor i'm allowed to have a crush on is hugh jackman, because le husband has a man crush on him, too.
i could make this go on for forever, but i won't.
:)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
if you want me, i don't come cheap.
this title has absolutely nothing to do with the post. i'm listening to 'i do not hook up' by kelly clarkson. i do enjoy this song.
okay, on another random note: if you're ever in kaysville, go to david's pizza on 200 north. BEST. PIZZA. EVER. i seriously can't go back. i promise you won't, either. i keep those guys in business.
anyway. so i had a really great shoot on sunday! (my dark bride shoot) my hair was crazy! in the shower, i had to put at least triple the amount of conditioner that i usually do on my hair, and it still took half an hour of me combing out my hair to get it back to normal. HOLY EFF. here's a couple pictures.
what say ye?
also, look at these thousand dollar shoes. HOLY YES. if only i were rich.
so, did i talk about how le husband is joining the national guard? well, he is. he's going to try to take the first test for it next week. i'm not really sure how i feel about it - i'm kind of apathetic about the whole thing, honestly. i'm trusting his judgement. if it's what he wants to do, i'll support him.
i'm thinking that i may go back to school to be a speech therapist. i went to my sister's speech therapy today and really liked it, but i guess we'll see!
christmas songs just popped up in my itunes shuffle. TOO SOON, ITUNES. WAIT UNTIL AT LEAST OCTOBER. the sun just barely came out!! i need to enjoy my few, few months of the utah summer.
anyway, i don't think i have much left to say right now.
xoxo.
okay, on another random note: if you're ever in kaysville, go to david's pizza on 200 north. BEST. PIZZA. EVER. i seriously can't go back. i promise you won't, either. i keep those guys in business.
anyway. so i had a really great shoot on sunday! (my dark bride shoot) my hair was crazy! in the shower, i had to put at least triple the amount of conditioner that i usually do on my hair, and it still took half an hour of me combing out my hair to get it back to normal. HOLY EFF. here's a couple pictures.
also, look at these thousand dollar shoes. HOLY YES. if only i were rich.
so, did i talk about how le husband is joining the national guard? well, he is. he's going to try to take the first test for it next week. i'm not really sure how i feel about it - i'm kind of apathetic about the whole thing, honestly. i'm trusting his judgement. if it's what he wants to do, i'll support him.
i'm thinking that i may go back to school to be a speech therapist. i went to my sister's speech therapy today and really liked it, but i guess we'll see!
christmas songs just popped up in my itunes shuffle. TOO SOON, ITUNES. WAIT UNTIL AT LEAST OCTOBER. the sun just barely came out!! i need to enjoy my few, few months of the utah summer.
anyway, i don't think i have much left to say right now.
xoxo.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
oh, my universe.
okay, update.
last week was hellish.
the man got fired, as i said before. ugh. he had a really good job. but he hated it, so oh well. he found a job a couple days later, but it's not full time and he's not even sure how many hours he'll be working a week. call me old fashioned, but i think the man is supposed to be the breadwinner in a family. so we'll be working on that.
also, he's decided for sure to join the national guard. i'm not too thrilled about the idea, but if he genuinely wants to do it, then he should. he needs to do something that will bring his self esteem up, because i can't live forever having to reassure him about who he is.
so last week was way stressful for me, and i did really well. while i was screaming on the inside, i just stood, smiled, and said, "okay, honey," like a good little housewife. but i couldn't handle it anymore. today i lost it. over absolutely nothing, too. that's always how it goes. anyway, i do feel a little better now that i was a monster for half an hour or so. that's a plus.
[this was me. also, look at this adorable picture i found.]
[uhhm, what?! this is the most adorable laptop sleeve known to man!! i need it.]
so with all of that going on last week, i had no time to be a model. i'm jumping back into it this week. i have a high fashion shoot at some point this week, and on sunday i have a bridal type shoot. at first i thought it was a regular bridal shoot, but i found out there's two models - a regular bride and a 'dark' bride. and guess which one i get to be?! yes. the dark version. i am SO EXCITED. i love styled shoots because they're total fantasy. i can transform myself into some weird, creepy creature and i don't have to worry about how my face looks or are my arms correct. (although i do need to work on that more.)
once i have pictures back, i'll post them.
i seriously am so excited for my bridal shoot.
okay, i've got nothing more to say.
adieu.
last week was hellish.
the man got fired, as i said before. ugh. he had a really good job. but he hated it, so oh well. he found a job a couple days later, but it's not full time and he's not even sure how many hours he'll be working a week. call me old fashioned, but i think the man is supposed to be the breadwinner in a family. so we'll be working on that.
also, he's decided for sure to join the national guard. i'm not too thrilled about the idea, but if he genuinely wants to do it, then he should. he needs to do something that will bring his self esteem up, because i can't live forever having to reassure him about who he is.
so last week was way stressful for me, and i did really well. while i was screaming on the inside, i just stood, smiled, and said, "okay, honey," like a good little housewife. but i couldn't handle it anymore. today i lost it. over absolutely nothing, too. that's always how it goes. anyway, i do feel a little better now that i was a monster for half an hour or so. that's a plus.
so with all of that going on last week, i had no time to be a model. i'm jumping back into it this week. i have a high fashion shoot at some point this week, and on sunday i have a bridal type shoot. at first i thought it was a regular bridal shoot, but i found out there's two models - a regular bride and a 'dark' bride. and guess which one i get to be?! yes. the dark version. i am SO EXCITED. i love styled shoots because they're total fantasy. i can transform myself into some weird, creepy creature and i don't have to worry about how my face looks or are my arms correct. (although i do need to work on that more.)
once i have pictures back, i'll post them.
i seriously am so excited for my bridal shoot.
okay, i've got nothing more to say.
adieu.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
life happens.
remember how i said i was going to collaborate with that guy that does fantasy photos?
well, he cancelled. :( he said he was taking a different direction with his work. sad. he didn't give me any other explanation. i don't know if he moved or what. i would have liked to to work with him. :(
in other news, my man lost his job two days ago. :( he has an interview for a freight position at Michael's tomorrow, though, so hopefully that will go well. i think his manager had it out for him. brat.
(this is turning out to be a really depressing blog post, isn't it?)
anyway, so le man has that interview tomorrow, and he's also been thinking about going into the national guard. i don't have any real objections to it at this point, it's just a really big decision. so i'm sure he's been mulling it around in that big head of his for the past few days. my cousin (who's more like a big brother) is in the national guard, and i'm so proud of him. i'm just always afraid that he'll be called to go to war and something will happen to him. i couldn't bear to lose him. he's literally the only person in the world that understands me perfectly.
anyway, enough of the depressing-ness. let's see if i can find a picture to lift your spirits. :]
tada! perfection.
xoxo.
well, he cancelled. :( he said he was taking a different direction with his work. sad. he didn't give me any other explanation. i don't know if he moved or what. i would have liked to to work with him. :(
in other news, my man lost his job two days ago. :( he has an interview for a freight position at Michael's tomorrow, though, so hopefully that will go well. i think his manager had it out for him. brat.
(this is turning out to be a really depressing blog post, isn't it?)
anyway, so le man has that interview tomorrow, and he's also been thinking about going into the national guard. i don't have any real objections to it at this point, it's just a really big decision. so i'm sure he's been mulling it around in that big head of his for the past few days. my cousin (who's more like a big brother) is in the national guard, and i'm so proud of him. i'm just always afraid that he'll be called to go to war and something will happen to him. i couldn't bear to lose him. he's literally the only person in the world that understands me perfectly.
anyway, enough of the depressing-ness. let's see if i can find a picture to lift your spirits. :]
xoxo.
Monday, April 18, 2011
updatee.
hello all! (or nobody, actually.)
i forget where i left off. i think i had just had the shoot with the photographer that got me down. well, i had two better shoots this weekend, so i'm back on track. :]
the first shoot was so much fun! i was in a pretty white dress and we got some fantastic outdoor shots. the photographer was excellent and very professional. i only have one picture as a 'preview' to what is to come, so i'll show you that.
love it! it's very different than what i usually shoot, so i really enjoyed it. i'll post more pictures when i get them. this was probably one of my favorite shoots to date. we went into this awesome little orchard type thing and were getting some great shots, but then a grouchy old lady yelled at us and told us we had to leave. :( it was sad.
my second shot of the weekend went pretty well. not as well as the first one, but well nonetheless. the pictures turned out really well, it just felt like the photographer was even more nervous than i was. she kept asking her boyfriend for advice and if she was doing okay, so since she was out of her zone, it kind of brought me out of (the start of) mine.
[i wouldn't say i have a 'zone' yet, i'm not really good enough for that. i need to work on posing and such, but i do get pretty concentrated, and she was breaking that concentration. i guess that's the point i'm trying to make.]
anyway, here are some pictures.
that's really all i have to post for today. hopefully i can get some posing done in my spare time this week so i can get some really great shoots!
wish me luck - i'll need all i can get.
xoxo.
i forget where i left off. i think i had just had the shoot with the photographer that got me down. well, i had two better shoots this weekend, so i'm back on track. :]
the first shoot was so much fun! i was in a pretty white dress and we got some fantastic outdoor shots. the photographer was excellent and very professional. i only have one picture as a 'preview' to what is to come, so i'll show you that.
love it! it's very different than what i usually shoot, so i really enjoyed it. i'll post more pictures when i get them. this was probably one of my favorite shoots to date. we went into this awesome little orchard type thing and were getting some great shots, but then a grouchy old lady yelled at us and told us we had to leave. :( it was sad.
my second shot of the weekend went pretty well. not as well as the first one, but well nonetheless. the pictures turned out really well, it just felt like the photographer was even more nervous than i was. she kept asking her boyfriend for advice and if she was doing okay, so since she was out of her zone, it kind of brought me out of (the start of) mine.
[i wouldn't say i have a 'zone' yet, i'm not really good enough for that. i need to work on posing and such, but i do get pretty concentrated, and she was breaking that concentration. i guess that's the point i'm trying to make.]
anyway, here are some pictures.
wish me luck - i'll need all i can get.
xoxo.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
feelin good.
my outdoor shoot went well! i got some lovely shoots out of it, and modeled for the first time by a lake. it was really fun! i loved the photographer i worked with - he was very helpful and was way fun to work with.
a couple days after that shoot, i had a studio shoot in salt lake. i went in nervous but excited, and came out discouraged. the photographer didn't have great communication skills, so i was never quite sure what he wanted. he kept making noises like he didn't like what he saw, so that didn't help. plus, i had brought my husband as an escort and that was really distracting. not distracting as in i kept looking at him and giggling like a little girl, distracting as in he stared relentlessly and it made me really self conscious. i can model around my friends and (of course) the photographer, but there's something about that man that throws me for a loop. so i won't be taking him to another shoot. i just work better without him there. (not that i don't love him - i do!!)
today i had a really great shoot outside. we got some field/mountain shots and some shots in an old orchard, until some grouchy old lady yelled at us to get out. the photographer was fantastic. he definitely had the communication skills to get things done. (which i now appreciate a lot.) i have a shoot tomorrow in ogden that's going to be a glamour shoot, if i remember correctly.
then next week, i have a shoot with a photographer who does fantasy scenes!! i was so excited that he wanted to do a TF shoot with me, because he normally charges. he's going to make me into a fairy or mermaid! ooh laa laa :]
well, i need to continue cleaning my house before the brother-in-law and all his friends come over. i'll try to update soon. :]
a couple days after that shoot, i had a studio shoot in salt lake. i went in nervous but excited, and came out discouraged. the photographer didn't have great communication skills, so i was never quite sure what he wanted. he kept making noises like he didn't like what he saw, so that didn't help. plus, i had brought my husband as an escort and that was really distracting. not distracting as in i kept looking at him and giggling like a little girl, distracting as in he stared relentlessly and it made me really self conscious. i can model around my friends and (of course) the photographer, but there's something about that man that throws me for a loop. so i won't be taking him to another shoot. i just work better without him there. (not that i don't love him - i do!!)
today i had a really great shoot outside. we got some field/mountain shots and some shots in an old orchard, until some grouchy old lady yelled at us to get out. the photographer was fantastic. he definitely had the communication skills to get things done. (which i now appreciate a lot.) i have a shoot tomorrow in ogden that's going to be a glamour shoot, if i remember correctly.
then next week, i have a shoot with a photographer who does fantasy scenes!! i was so excited that he wanted to do a TF shoot with me, because he normally charges. he's going to make me into a fairy or mermaid! ooh laa laa :]
well, i need to continue cleaning my house before the brother-in-law and all his friends come over. i'll try to update soon. :]
Monday, April 4, 2011
ello again.
it's been a while.
i apologize for the absence. i could make excuses, but essentially all excuses are just excusing one thing - life. it's like zooey dechanel's line in 500 days of summer. her costar says, "well, what happened?" and she says, "the same thing that always happens. life."
anyway. life is..interesting. i've been working a lot more, which is good. i have my second photo shoot tomorrow. should be interesting. i bought some cute new clothes for it. :] we're going to a pond so that's cool. i've never done an on location shoot - just in the parking lot area outside of a studio.
in other news, we got a second kitty! :] his name is boss, and he's two or three months old. we got him from a druggie house (fyi, i didn't know it was a druggie house before i got there) and it was scary as hell. the druggie lady told me that they had 10 cats in the house, and i don't think that they'd been feeding any of them. when we got boss, we could feel every single one of his bones. he had no fat on him and he couldn't keep himself warm. he would never play with us, he would just sit by the heater all day long. so we took him to the vet, who gave us some super high calorie food - unfortunately, he also diagnosed our poor kitty with panleukapenia. it's like the cat form of parvo, except it's not as deadly as it is for dogs. anyway, so we were out $300 for the bare essentials to get this cat better; the vet originally wanted to keep boss there on an i.v. for two days. i was all for it, until i found out that it it would be $1200. UHHM, NO.
but boss is doing so much better now. he is so playful, and is super cuddly. we got lucky by getting such a good kitty. our other cat, tigger, is even starting to play with him. :] before, he hated boss. we couldn't even have them in the same room. but now there's nothing to worry about. :]
well, i ought to get to bed and at least get some sleep.
adieu!
i apologize for the absence. i could make excuses, but essentially all excuses are just excusing one thing - life. it's like zooey dechanel's line in 500 days of summer. her costar says, "well, what happened?" and she says, "the same thing that always happens. life."
anyway. life is..interesting. i've been working a lot more, which is good. i have my second photo shoot tomorrow. should be interesting. i bought some cute new clothes for it. :] we're going to a pond so that's cool. i've never done an on location shoot - just in the parking lot area outside of a studio.
in other news, we got a second kitty! :] his name is boss, and he's two or three months old. we got him from a druggie house (fyi, i didn't know it was a druggie house before i got there) and it was scary as hell. the druggie lady told me that they had 10 cats in the house, and i don't think that they'd been feeding any of them. when we got boss, we could feel every single one of his bones. he had no fat on him and he couldn't keep himself warm. he would never play with us, he would just sit by the heater all day long. so we took him to the vet, who gave us some super high calorie food - unfortunately, he also diagnosed our poor kitty with panleukapenia. it's like the cat form of parvo, except it's not as deadly as it is for dogs. anyway, so we were out $300 for the bare essentials to get this cat better; the vet originally wanted to keep boss there on an i.v. for two days. i was all for it, until i found out that it it would be $1200. UHHM, NO.
but boss is doing so much better now. he is so playful, and is super cuddly. we got lucky by getting such a good kitty. our other cat, tigger, is even starting to play with him. :] before, he hated boss. we couldn't even have them in the same room. but now there's nothing to worry about. :]
well, i ought to get to bed and at least get some sleep.
adieu!
ello again.
it's been a while.
i apologize for the absence. i could make excuses, but essentially all excuses are just excusing one thing - life. it's like zooey dechanel's line in 500 days of summer. her costar says, "well, what happened?" and she says, "the same thing that always happens. life."
anyway. life is..interesting. i've been working a lot more, which is good. i have my second photo shoot tomorrow. should be interesting. i bought some cute new clothes for it. :] we're going to a pond so that's cool. i've never done an on location shoot - just in the parking lot area outside of a studio.
in other news, we got a second kitty! :] his name is boss, and he's two or three months old. we got him from a druggie house (fyi, i didn't know it was a druggie house before i got there) and it was <b><i>scary as hell.</b></i> the druggie lady told me that they had 10 cats in the house, and i don't think that they'd been feeding any of them. when we got boss, we could feel <b>every single one</b> of his bones. he had no fat on him and he couldn't keep himself warm. he would never play with us, he would just sit by the heater all day long. so we took him to the vet, who gave us some super high calorie food - unfortunately, he also diagnosed our poor kitty with panleukapenia. it's like the cat form of parvo, except it's not as deadly as it is for dogs. anyway, so we were out $300 for the bare essentials to get this cat better; the vet originally wanted to keep boss there on an i.v. for two days. i was all for it, until i found out that it it would be $1200. UHHM, NO.
but boss is doing <i>so</i> much better now. he is so playful, and is super cuddly. we got lucky by getting such a good kitty. our other cat, tigger, is even starting to play with him. :] before, he hated boss. we couldn't even have them in the same room. but now there's nothing to worry about. :]
well, i ought to get to bed and at least get some sleep.
adieu!
i apologize for the absence. i could make excuses, but essentially all excuses are just excusing one thing - life. it's like zooey dechanel's line in 500 days of summer. her costar says, "well, what happened?" and she says, "the same thing that always happens. life."
anyway. life is..interesting. i've been working a lot more, which is good. i have my second photo shoot tomorrow. should be interesting. i bought some cute new clothes for it. :] we're going to a pond so that's cool. i've never done an on location shoot - just in the parking lot area outside of a studio.
in other news, we got a second kitty! :] his name is boss, and he's two or three months old. we got him from a druggie house (fyi, i didn't know it was a druggie house before i got there) and it was <b><i>scary as hell.</b></i> the druggie lady told me that they had 10 cats in the house, and i don't think that they'd been feeding any of them. when we got boss, we could feel <b>every single one</b> of his bones. he had no fat on him and he couldn't keep himself warm. he would never play with us, he would just sit by the heater all day long. so we took him to the vet, who gave us some super high calorie food - unfortunately, he also diagnosed our poor kitty with panleukapenia. it's like the cat form of parvo, except it's not as deadly as it is for dogs. anyway, so we were out $300 for the bare essentials to get this cat better; the vet originally wanted to keep boss there on an i.v. for two days. i was all for it, until i found out that it it would be $1200. UHHM, NO.
but boss is doing <i>so</i> much better now. he is so playful, and is super cuddly. we got lucky by getting such a good kitty. our other cat, tigger, is even starting to play with him. :] before, he hated boss. we couldn't even have them in the same room. but now there's nothing to worry about. :]
well, i ought to get to bed and at least get some sleep.
adieu!
Friday, March 4, 2011
spring fever.
i am so, so ready for spring. i'm sick of the cold and having to turn up the car heater.
or, if mother nature refuses to cooperate, i'd like to go to paris. i could deal with anything if i was there. the last time i was there was only for a few days, which was NOT long enough. there's so much to explore there, and it's never boring. ever. the architecture is interesting, the food is interesting, the nature is interesting, and even the people are interesting, even though some of them are terribly rude. (but you'd get that any place you go, i suppose.)
europe is so much better than here. there's so much culture, so much history. you could wander for days and never be bored. i would be a hobo there. i wouldn't even care. (okay, maybe i would. but i wouldn't mind for the first few days!!)
i love to travel, so i'm sad that i don't have the money to accommodate that addiction. oh, well. maybe someday.
in other news, my kitty has been left alone all day long and is now being the cutest little furry creature to have ever walked into my life. he's definitely a momma's boy. whenever i move my hands more than a few inches away, he bats at them until he can get a claw in my sweater and bring them back close to him. clever kitty. what would i do without him?
<3.
or, if mother nature refuses to cooperate, i'd like to go to paris. i could deal with anything if i was there. the last time i was there was only for a few days, which was NOT long enough. there's so much to explore there, and it's never boring. ever. the architecture is interesting, the food is interesting, the nature is interesting, and even the people are interesting, even though some of them are terribly rude. (but you'd get that any place you go, i suppose.)
europe is so much better than here. there's so much culture, so much history. you could wander for days and never be bored. i would be a hobo there. i wouldn't even care. (okay, maybe i would. but i wouldn't mind for the first few days!!)
i love to travel, so i'm sad that i don't have the money to accommodate that addiction. oh, well. maybe someday.
i remember being here.
in other news, my kitty has been left alone all day long and is now being the cutest little furry creature to have ever walked into my life. he's definitely a momma's boy. whenever i move my hands more than a few inches away, he bats at them until he can get a claw in my sweater and bring them back close to him. clever kitty. what would i do without him?
<3.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
go for it.
all my life, i've been a performer. i love singing, acting, dancing, and even though it sounds a little vain, being in front of a camera. it's just what i do.
when i got into junior high and high school, they were always pushing us to take all these career tests and figure out what we were going to do for the rest of our life. number one, i don't understand why we have to decide on a career when we're sixteen years old. i don't want to be one of those people that wake up when they're forty years old with the bitter realization that they hate what they do. number two, i've always wanted to be a performer, but they always told us "it isn't practical, you have to go into something you can get a degree in, don't take the chance," so on and so forth.
but nothing else interests me enough to do it for the rest of my life. believe me, i've dabbled in a lot of things, and they just didn't work out. i can't bring myself to do a job for the rest of my life that i only think is mediocre.
so i've decided that i'm going to try my hand at modeling. one of my really good friends has been modeling for about five years, so i asked for some suggestions from her and got a lot of really great tips, and gained a few contacts.
i'm a little nervous, because having an uncertain future makes me a little frightened. but i'm willing to give it a shot and try to step out of my little bubble. :]
wish me luck!
this is my very good friend, cassie.
www.modelmayhem.com/710129
when i got into junior high and high school, they were always pushing us to take all these career tests and figure out what we were going to do for the rest of our life. number one, i don't understand why we have to decide on a career when we're sixteen years old. i don't want to be one of those people that wake up when they're forty years old with the bitter realization that they hate what they do. number two, i've always wanted to be a performer, but they always told us "it isn't practical, you have to go into something you can get a degree in, don't take the chance," so on and so forth.
but nothing else interests me enough to do it for the rest of my life. believe me, i've dabbled in a lot of things, and they just didn't work out. i can't bring myself to do a job for the rest of my life that i only think is mediocre.
so i've decided that i'm going to try my hand at modeling. one of my really good friends has been modeling for about five years, so i asked for some suggestions from her and got a lot of really great tips, and gained a few contacts.
i'm a little nervous, because having an uncertain future makes me a little frightened. but i'm willing to give it a shot and try to step out of my little bubble. :]
wish me luck!
this is my very good friend, cassie.
www.modelmayhem.com/710129
come together.
welcome, to the both of us.
i enjoy life.
more specifically, i enjoy dance, interior design, fashion/modeling (i enjoy wishing i was a model, rather), photography, peace signs, fancy pens, and all things beautiful and awe-inspiring. i am working towards being who i see myself as being in my head, and i am my biggest critic. i am constantly learning, and i love trying new things. i love going to the crafty section of barnes and noble. that's where all the good stuff is at.
one of my favorite quotes goes, "life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." that's exactly what i'm trying to do. i'm never the same girl for more than a few months, and those closest to me have the opportunity to see that evolution. i am rather shy, and it's extremely hard for me to talk to new people. i constantly wish i was more outgoing - that's one thing i'm working towards. (easier said than done, believe me.) i am paving my own way of life, different than the one my parents had planned for me. it's hard sometimes, but i love living life on my own terms. i love trying what i want to try and attempting to make my own success, even if it fails horribly. such is life.
on another note, i am a writer. always have been. therefore, i love quotes. my obsession is becoming quite unhealthy, actually. i have dreams of becoming/doing a lot of things, and being a writer is one of them. hence, this blog. i'm not sure what i'll write about, but we'll figure it out as we go.
so, there's my introduction.
stay tuned. :]
i enjoy life.
more specifically, i enjoy dance, interior design, fashion/modeling (i enjoy wishing i was a model, rather), photography, peace signs, fancy pens, and all things beautiful and awe-inspiring. i am working towards being who i see myself as being in my head, and i am my biggest critic. i am constantly learning, and i love trying new things. i love going to the crafty section of barnes and noble. that's where all the good stuff is at.
one of my favorite quotes goes, "life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." that's exactly what i'm trying to do. i'm never the same girl for more than a few months, and those closest to me have the opportunity to see that evolution. i am rather shy, and it's extremely hard for me to talk to new people. i constantly wish i was more outgoing - that's one thing i'm working towards. (easier said than done, believe me.) i am paving my own way of life, different than the one my parents had planned for me. it's hard sometimes, but i love living life on my own terms. i love trying what i want to try and attempting to make my own success, even if it fails horribly. such is life.
on another note, i am a writer. always have been. therefore, i love quotes. my obsession is becoming quite unhealthy, actually. i have dreams of becoming/doing a lot of things, and being a writer is one of them. hence, this blog. i'm not sure what i'll write about, but we'll figure it out as we go.
so, there's my introduction.
stay tuned. :]
i.am.obsessed.
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